pretty scrapbook scraps

3d paper heart tutorial, a photo by Digital Heather on Flickr.

I made some cute hanging paper hearts today. I really need to clean up my office already because it took forever to round up all the supplies in order to make these. All I needed was a stapler, pretty scrapbook scraps, glue dots, and some rivets. Ugh. I've got 15 days left to do it. Probably a few less than that considering it will be at the bottom of my to do list post-surgery. Oh well. They're so pretty!! :) The one in the picture is hanging on my china cabinet. My tutorial is here if you'd like to make your own.

listen to my brain

green and purple succulent, a photo by Digital Heather on Flickr.

One of my succulents is really starting to change colors and gets prettier every day.

I went back to the doctor today. Since my body still hasn't passed my missed miscarriage, we talked about my options. I really preferred to let this happen naturally, but it just won't. I figured in the beginning that maybe my mind and body weren't connected because I was still holding onto hope. After the third ultrasound without a heartbeat, I figured my body would listen to my brain and catch up. Waiting for nature to take her course has turned me into a nervous wreck.

So the options, if I didn't mention before, are medicine or surgery. Medicine essentially tricks your body into going into labor, opens your cervix, and everything comes out. Clearly that's the less expensive option. However, with my bleeding disorders and being therapeutic on Lovenox, I'm at risk for hemorrhaging. It happens. Women go to the hospital. Usually not a huge deal. But my husband has the car all day at work 60 miles away and I would have no way to get to the ER if that happened. Well short of calling 911. And calling 911 is expensive. I still have two bills from the last time(s) we called 911. 500+ dollars for when I was conscious and 700+ for when I was unresponsive. So to avoid all of that-- we opted for surgery.

On Monday I'm having a D and C (Dilation and Curettage). They'll dilate my cervix and scrape everything out. Should I have bleeding issues, which is so my style, they can take care of it. The procedure takes 10 minutes or less. I'll be asleep. If there are complications or they want to watch me for post-op pulmonary emboli (which is also my style), then they'll keep me overnight for observation. Otherwise, I get to go home once I wake up and they deem me able.

Of course I'm nervous. Surgery just makes me nervous. Surgery results in more things wrong with me and or bad news. Not that it would happen this time-- it's just why I dislike it.

So we'll see. I'm going to keep occupied this weekend. Come Monday night, I won't have to walk around the house like a nervous Nellie waiting for something to happen.

The subplot of life

triple strawberry cake, a photo by Digital Heather on Flickr.

So nothing yet. Still.

I made an awesome cake yesterday. Recipe and tutorial here. And not because I didn't feel like cleaning my office. I had totally already planned to make it. Totally. I wish my mom didn't live 90 minutes away and or she had a cellphone so I could text her a picture. I know she'd love it.

Being anti-social is so easy without Facebook, lately. That sounds more obvious than it is. I think it's just a fleeting thing and I'll get over it soon.

The one or two people that I'm not being anti-social towards still have a hard time understanding why anyone would delete their FB. Was I cryptic about that? Maybe. My husband's family lives on the other side of the country. I decided to make that distance even greater. I'd make it greater if I could, but I don't know how.

It's been a good life lesson, I suppose. Another piece of the puzzle. When I have a son someday, I know what kind of mother not to be. I know what kind of mother-in-law not to be. No matter how mentally unstable his wife may get. My "dirty laundry" or "dirty secrets" were too much for them to publicly handle. (Not my words, by the way. I'm not ashamed of who I am.)

How can you ask for help without speaking up? So I said suck it. Who cares. Sure, life is too short for staying mad at people but life isn't fun when people treat you like that either. I guess I only bring it up because this plight is not my own. It's the subplot of every tv show ever. The subplot of life. There's no right answer. Some people can deal and some can't. I decided I can't anymore. I have a mom and I don't have room for bullies. Actually that's a perfect way to end.

to pledge my seriousness

messy craft room / office, a photo by Digital Heather on Flickr.

This is supposed to be my office.

Having a house with four bedrooms is awesome because my husband and I each have our own office. However, my office has become a bit of a catch all for random stuff that doesn't get put away. At one point it was presentable, but never functional or organized so it kind of fell apart again.

I'm posting a picture so that hopefully I'll feel motivated to do something with it. When I finally do then you can use this picture for reference.

Ideally, I'll do all of my work in there so my husband can have his office back. And to pledge my seriousness, mostly to myself, I'm going to have it 100% done by my birthday (July 14th). Sort of a birthday present to myself.

lingering memories

colorful sugar skull, a photo by Digital Heather on Flickr.

So I made a special trip to Target today just to buy markers... I really wanted to color the coloring page I made yesterday. You might notice that the printed features are kind of cranberry-ish instead of black. My printer is sucking up her ink from the bottom of the barrel. But it printed out neat. At the top of the picture, it started out darker and gradually got lighter as it printed. I'm quite happy with it.

I can't remember the last time I actually colored with markers. When I was buying them today I was actually thinking of another woman named Heather whom I met in the psychiatric hospital. She spent all of her free time coloring those big velvet posters. Her husband would bring more every time he came to visit her. It seemed to make her happy. I wondered if she did it at home also or was just killing the time as best she could. I never asked her.

I was the exact opposite and refused to do anything creative or crafty while I was there either on my own time or during designated "recreation times." Other patients and employees would ask me if I just wasn't crafty or didn't enjoy those activities. Of course the answer to this is, I LOVE BEING CREATIVE AND MAKING THINGS! In the beginning, I would explain that I actually did arts and crafts daily at home and then blogged about it as my "work." I didn't want to ruin what I love. If that makes sense. People had a hard time understanding what I was saying meant so after a while I just started saying, "No, I don't enjoy arts and crafts." I just didn't want to associate crafting with being in the hospital. I wanted to eventually go home and not have any lingering memories. Too late?

I guess I wanted to keep it sacred. Perhaps it was a bad attitude to have. Martha Stewart wasn't like that when she was in jail. I dunno, maybe that's an unfair comparison? To her? I'm no Martha. To me? I wasn't in jail. Oh well. And even though I did my best to avoid crafting or creativity while hospitalized, it still took me awhile to actually get back into it once I was home. A couple months actually. Oh well.

Come to think of it I actually painted one watercolor which I'll share another time.

the emotional strength

sugar skull coloring sheet, a photo by Digital Heather on Flickr.

I'm quite pleased with this. Making it took forever but was surprisingly therapeutic. I never made a coloring page before today. Probably my first and last time. Technically it was for work.

Nothing else to report. Or at least what we're waiting for.

I'm feeling generally okay. It's actually a bit of a weird limbo I'm swimming in. Before I was pregnant, I was in so much pain with my endometriosis. The events leading up to my surgery had me so busy and preoccupied that I didn't notice that for a good four or five days I was in zero pain. I guess I attribute that to being pregnant and not knowing it. Who knows. While I was pregnant, I had no endo pain whatevsoever. A few times I had back pain which was probably the arthritis I was diagnosed with a few months back. And morning sickness, but that has since subsided.

So aside from obvious strange feelings of loss and confusion-- I'm feeling okay. I just wonder when is THAT going to happen? When is my endo pain going to come back? How long will it take to get pregnant again? Ugh.

It's probably very easy to blame yourself and wonder what you did wrong-- but I can't get caught up in that. I know I did everything I could have considering the body I was given (of course I'm referring to my own body and my diseases/mutations).

I'm thankful though. I'm thankful for the peace I have through all of this. I'm thankful I have the emotional strength to get out of bed each morning and do something with my day. It could be worse. Oh it could be so so much worse. I've been there. So instead I just smile and think, I'm going to have kids at some point. My kids are going to be awesome. So awesome that so far God wants them instead.

secrets on the internet

play horse, a photo by Digital Heather on Flickr.

So this blog gets a ridiculous amount of traffic. It baffles me because it's kind of a secret. Okay, I know there aren't any secrets on the internet. I don't really do this for an audience either, so I'm intrigued.

Have you seen the movie It's Pat? If you haven't, it was based on an SNL skit from the 90s. Julia Sweeney plays an androgynous character who ultimately marries a similar character played by my long-time running crush, Dave Foley. Anyway, Pat's stalker neighbor Kyle steals Pat's diary thinking it will reveal secrets. The laptop diary instead goes into great detail about things like buying and returning a bath mat. My point is-- I don't feel like my blog is much different.

So who are you? Why do you read? Why do you come back for more?

trying to catch up

my kitchen table, a photo by Digital Heather on Flickr.

I finished writing my kitchen table tutorial. You can read about it here. I love it so much. I did it about two months ago. The table is called Ingo and came from Ikea for $69.99. Originally it was unfinished pine and I stained it using vinegar and a steel wool pad. And that's it. Super cheap and easy. Check the tutorial. Seriously. The chairs are also from Ikea and were $50.00 each.

You can see a sneak peak of the bottom of my china cabinet too. More on that next time.

Nothing else yet. No pain. No spotting. I noticed my appetite has really dropped off and I lost a few pounds. I've mostly just been immersing myself in my freelance writing and trying to catch up. My table tutorial was the first piece I've published since Halloween. HALLOWEEN!! I'm so behind.

the inevitable and the unknown

potted succulents, a photo by Digital Heather on Flickr.

I felt like staying in bed all day. I couldn't remember the last time I watered my plants. And I really like my plants. So I decided to get out of bed for my plants. How sad does that sound? I dunno.

In fact during February/March/April when I was racking up my frequent flyer miles at the hospital, my husband and neighbors were not watering my plants and a few died. I was furious. They tried to convince me that my care took precedence but they're just little plants. Okay-- I'll stop.

So I'm up. I have a bit of an emotional hangover-- is that a phrase? Is that a thing? It feels like it. My face feels like it cried a marathon. My head also feels two sizes too big.

For maybe the first time, I'm thankful that I don't have a job to report to. I can just stay home and let my body do her thing. That's not to say that waiting for the inevitable and the unknown is any easier. It just means-- well you get it.

Did I tell you I gave up soda? I gave up soda. In the psychiatric hospital actually. They didn't have soda and whatever combination of pills I was therapeutic on was preventing me from getting withdrawal headaches. I used to drink A LOT of soda. Six or seven cans a day. Maybe more. I had tried many a Lent to give it up for good but the headaches always had me crawling back. Getting that soda pop monkey off my back was really a blessing for being pregnant.

But let's just say I had a giant soda last night. I guess it's my silver syrup lining.

a poker face in public

heathermummy, a photo by Digital Heather on Flickr.

That baby is me. I'm not injured. I'm a mummy.

Today could have gone a million times better. The doctor was running two hours behind. Waiting those two hours was so nerve-wracking. I was pissed off naturally but the suspense was growing and eating me alive. My husband had to leave right after the ultrasound or he would have been late for work, but at least he was there for part of it.

Still no heartbeat. Our baby stopped growing three weeks ago. I waited to follow up with the doctor, trying my best to hold it in and save my tears for my pillow. It was hard. They referred me to a reproductive endocrinologist to maybe find out why my body hates babies so much. That's August 5th. A million years from now.

I sat outside the hospital in over-sized sunglasses still trying to hold it in. If my husband was there it would have been different because last time I kept a poker face in public so I wouldn't make him cry. Without him around, I just couldn't hold it in and I really lost it. You can cry quite a bit with sunglasses and no one knows.

A woman with a head-kerchief exited the hospital, walked past me, and then immediately swung a u-turn and came and sat next to me. If you don't know me, I don't like THAT kind of attention. Ever. But I needed this. She gave me some awesome mom hugs and we spoke while I waited for my dad to pick me up.

When she asked me what was wrong, all that I could vocalize was that my baby stopped growing and it was dead but still inside me and I was just going to go home and wait for my body to pass it. Similar to the way I expect a teenager would react, she exclaimed, "No. That sucks. They need to do something. That's not fair!!" I laughed because it was exactly the way I felt but couldn't organize my emotions. I looked at her headscarf which wasn't hiding a bad hair day... I could tell. Feeling awkward because of the attention, I asked her, why are you here today? "Oh I just have bone cancer." I told her if she had bone cancer then I seriously needed to stop crying. She shook her head and said, "I can handle cancer, but I don't think I could handle it if one of my children stopped living. You're stronger than me. God gives us exactly what we can handle." And I do believe that. And I needed to hear it.

I had a miserable night with four hours of sleep. I'm ready for my long hard cry and follow-up nap.

the same things

skelly, a photo by Digital Heather on Flickr.

My appointment is in 15 hours.

I had such a hard time sleeping last night and I'm sure tonight won't be any different. I keep thinking about the same things over and over. The "clues" that point to everything is fine and normal. The "facts" that everything might not be. And what ultimately I'll do next depending on how tomorrow goes.

I have a crib in a box that I'm just aching to put together.

at any minute

9 weeks, a photo by Digital Heather on Flickr.

So if everything is still a-okay, I'm 9 weeks now. This is the first time I'm sharing my tummy. It seems like it really came out of nowhere the last week or so. I know it might not be like this for much longer, but I've been so excited I had to share. Sure, taking pictures and blogging about it might just make it that much harder... but if it helps someone else out there frantically googling then it's worth it.

It's weird because I feel so huge for just 9 weeks. Some women barely look pregnant by this point while others look even bigger than this. It's fascinating. Everyone is different.

We spent Father's day together just cleaning the house and hanging out-- typical Sunday for us. It was a weird day, really. Mother's day was so awesome for us because we were so excited and had just had an awesome ultrasound. Now that it was Jason's turn, it was different. We're staying positive but also remembering to be realistic because something could change at any minute.

Still no cramping or spotting/bleeding. I go back to the high risk obgyn in 3 days. J has to work so I'll be going alone. I'm unhappy about it because I'll have to hear either amazing or terrible news all by myself. I'm rooting for the amazing, of course.

My baby tinman needs a heart(beat). So, we'll see.

Keep on keepin' on

blue cart, a photo by Digital Heather on Flickr.

I don't know if I'm enjoying my summer yet.

It's hot. The 112 degree kind of hot. Our new house doesn't have a pool and my childhood home and pool are an hour away. Our backyard is dirt as we haven't planted grass yet. So my summer so far has really just been light writing online, watching tv, napping, eating. Rinse. Repeat.

In baby news, nothing yet. No cramping or pain or spotting or anything! I'm a pro when it comes to waiting and being patient but boy is this ever a test. My lifestyle hasn't changed since we got the news. I'm still taking my prenatal vitamins and foregoing all other medicines or pills except my daily lovenox injections. I'm also still eating super healthy-- I do that anyway. I rub my belly and talk to the baby throughout the day, encouraging her to stick around so we can meet her. J gives her kisses and says things like, "Keep on truckin'" or "Keep on keepin' on". And I pray. Like I've never prayed in my life before.

So we'll see.

Googling during the commercials

praying batmantis, a photo by Digital Heather on Flickr.

This is Batmantis. There's actually an entire story line which I'll paraphrase due to length and nerdiness. He is the last of three praying mantises that visited our porch for a series of days. I found the other two dead and this one showed up shortly after. My husband named him Batmantis and he is in our garden to avenge his parents' death. Justice.

In other news, we're still unsure of exactly how far along we are in the pregnancy. The initial guess was 11 weeks but the baby isn't measuring that. So either ovulation and conception happened like two days before we first tested pregnant or the baby stopped growing at some point.

My high risk OBYGN couldn't find a heartbeat at our appointment last week. I have another appointment in 8 days to recheck but she said I will probably have miscarried by then. I gave myself the weekend to cry and mope but figured this isn't over until it's actually over.

I haven't had any bleeding or spotting. My pregnancy symptoms are still hot and heavy like morning sickness and sore boobs. They say when the fetus stops growing your pregnancy symptoms usually subside because your body isn't coursing with the hormones like it once was. So since mine still feels that way, I'm staying positive. It's hard to stay positive. One in five women will miscarry and I have been that woman two times already.

Okay and I find it hard to believe that the new episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey was a coincidence. Jacqueline opened up about she and Chris miscarrying five times before having Nick. At their five week ultrasound there was no heartbeat and they were told to terminate the pregnancy. They waited and returned for another ultrasound which found a heartbeat. Once I heard that, I immediately starting Googling during the commercials to see how often that actually happens (there are very few shows that I actually watch in real time). I found tons of women's stories on forums and blogs saying the same thing. They went on to give birth and have healthy kids. It was inspiring. It definitely got me out of my funk.