Friday, August 2, 2013

the wolfman and the full moon

playing ds by Digital Heather
playing ds, a photo by Digital Heather on Flickr.

It's August. Insert all cliches and dumb small talk about time flying and where has the year gone.

I've been playing a ton of Animal Crossing New Leaf lately.

I've also begun sleep eating again. I don't know I do it until I wake up the next morning with an empty cereal bowl next to my side of the bed. It's always cereal. I never make a mess, hurt myself, leave the milk out, anything. A few times my husband has seen me. He says I'm like a zombie. He says I just sit there, shoveling it in my mouth like I don't even notice him. That has to be the weirdest thing. Well, almost as weird as everything else that has gone down. I began sleep eating back when I was being medicated and that was the only time I ever did. Once the medicine stopped, so did that. I didn't even know it was a thing until a friend mentioned that her husband did it. It was like, "This weird thing I do has a name?!" It's both an awesome and creepy feeling. You feel no longer alone but then, I dunno, diagnosed? I dunno what's worse. I just can't figure out why it's happening again all of a sudden. I'm on zero medicine aside from blood-thinner medicine. I have zero stress.

My period also came back. I have never ever EVER been so happy to see my period. Especially when you're trying to have a baby. A period is the last thing. I was worried it would take awhile for my body to come back from the miscarriage and D&C. My OBGYN said it could take a couple months. I didn't want that to be the case because however long that took then I had to add another 2 cycles on top of that before trying again. My surgery was exactly 30 days ago. It's like my body just picked up where we left off. I have to admit, I was a little worried about finally getting it again. The two times I tried to kill myself were on the first days of my last two periods. That can't be a coincidence. I think I was just so hormonal and out of my mind from those medicines that it just triggered me. Then I got pregnant. In the back of my mind, I kept wondering what would happen. I feel normal, but I think I probably felt or thought I felt normal back then. I can't remember. What would happen when it came? Would I go crazy? It's maybe like knowing you're the wolfman and the full moon is coming? Is that a lame analogy? Probably.

Oh well. One down and one to go. Why am I publicly talking about this?

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