Thursday, August 15, 2013

emotional responses

Coolidge Palms by Digital Heather
Coolidge Palms, a photo by Digital Heather on Flickr.

It's hard to assign names to emotions sometimes. Either they're foreign or you just don't know how you feel. I'm a special mix of sad and angry but can't decide how much of each.

Teenager's stuff is still here. We closed the door because it was just too sad to look at. My husband came home from work last night and I told him that this felt like a breakup. "I get sad when I see something of teenager's. I'm sad and angry but I wish I could just be angry." J raised his eyebrows and said, I feel EXACTLY the same way.

It's a weird little circle because even when I'm angry about the situation or angry at teenager, then I feel sad for feeling angry. I guess I'd rather feel angry than sad because my anger is pretty calm and quiet. I just stew and think in silence. When I'm sad, I cry until my head and chest hurts. I guess I have control over my anger but no control over my sadness. Sadness controls me. Is that a cop out?

This empty house has a way of drawing out emotional responses. This house hasn't seen enough joy. It has become the place we moved where all the sad stuff happened. When we move someday we can leave it behind and perhaps that is its purpose.

All I can do is pray. For the situation, for teenager, for strength.

I did however say something to my husband out of anger that I have wanted to say for four months. Sure four months isn't that long, but at this rate I expected to take it to my grave. "I know your mom sent you specific instructions on how to have me committed and I saw the text message to our neighbor that said I was crazy and you were having me committed the following day." This is all old news but was something I struggled with daily because it was never resolved. I feel better about it now but still feel bad about current situations.

This all surfaced because teenager was struggling with their sanity.

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