not 15 anymore

cold birthday candles, a photo by Digital Heather on Flickr.

My birthday is in one week. That means I have 7 days left to organize my office. But more importantly, it means I'm not buying candles for my cake this year. I told my husband that instead of buying candles, we're just going to use whatever neon candles are leftover in the frig from my birthday last year (or two years ago) -- no matter how many that might be. I counted today and there are 15. So I'm going to be 15 again. Yay.

I didn't think I would, but I'm starting to get bummed out a bit. My husband and I are the same age but his birthday is 6 months before mine. Half of the year he's older (kind of) and the rest of the year we're the same age (kind of). It's not complicated but I'm probably complicating it and I'm sure I explain this every year. I just enjoy that my husband and I share our birth year. It's like we grew up together in so many ways even though we didn't meet until we were 20.

Okay so back to getting bummed out. Every year, every January I should say, my husband gets bummed out about his birthday and getting older. I tell him to knock it off and stop being a baby. He says he looks old. I tell him he looks hot. Same thing every year. Then come summer time when it's my turn, I get a little bummed out at the taste of the same medicine. So here we are. Although I don't think I look old. I feel old, but that's another story. I'm mostly happy with how I look for my age. I want to lose a few pounds but other than that I'm pleased. No one ever thinks I'm as old as I am. I get mistaken for a teenager at least once a week. It's going to be awesome when I'm 60. I'm pretty sure I've said that exact line in this blog every year for a birthday post or pre-birthday post like this. Ugh.

I hate feeling old. My body has not been kind. Genetics have not been kind. But all of that aside I just hate memories that make me feel old. This is probably going to sound dumb. I recently saw pictures online of Trent Reznor and Marilyn Manson. The first has gotten fat while the latter just looks so old. It's sad. It hurts me to say it, but it's the truth. And if they're old, then so am I. And while I may only have 15 candles on my cake this year, I'm certainly not 15 anymore.