new around here

working view, a photo by Digital Heather on Flickr.

This is my view. I painted (if you can call it that) the watercolor front and center last year for my husband. I hung it there so he could look at my and Bowie's darling faces while he works. Although these days, I'm the one doing all the looking at it. I never finished my office. I'm still working out of my husband's. No harm. No foul. I just lost steam. I guess.

I have also fallen off of the wagon. I'm back to drinking the demon soda pop. Not nearly as much as I used to, but still more than I'd like to. I've been understandably stressed and upset. Am I justifying it? Probably. It could be worse. I don't do drugs, drink liquor or take pills. Not even acetaminophen. Not anymore, that is. Seriously. If I'm trying to convince you then you must be new around here. My point is-- it's just soda and it will pass.

I'm in a bit of a funk. I get away with the bare minimum of cooking. Just enough so my husband isn't starving or just eating Kraft dinner. I haven't done anything crafty in almost a month now.

It's probably just the 30 year old blues mixed with the uncertainty my existence holds. Add the miscarriage. Add the misadventures with teenager.

I probably just need a vacation or a very long drive.

busy moving on

Rosson House Chalk, a photo by Digital Heather on Flickr.

I often find myself sitting and wondering about all of the people that the internet has chewed up and spit out. Well not all of the people. I guess just some of the ones I know of. Jessi Slaughter. Chris Chan.

I didn't follow the events as they hit the fan. In fact, I didn't know anything about these two until earlier this year. They were already busy moving on with their lives.

Between the two, I felt really bad for Chris Chan. A lot of people will tell you not to, that he brings it on himself. The more I read about him, the worse I felt. I even went as far as to friend request him on facebook, back when I had one. He never responded to any of my requests or messages. I'm sure he figured I was a troll and the fact that I specifically said, "I'm not a troll" still raised a red flag. I guess I'm happy that these days he's being more cautious. The trolling he has endured gives me a very sad headache. My intent was to just be nice to him. I felt like he didn't have enough people being nice. Everyone deserves that.

I arrived to the party way too late. The person I was feeling sorry for isn't there anymore. Chris Chan has changed a lot-- maybe all the trolling and or his personal struggles. He's just an angry man now. I gave up my efforts awhile back.

I also sometimes think about the fathers of Jessi and Chris. They spent the last couple years of their lives dealing first hand with the internet backlash and how it was affecting their child on a daily basis. And then each father passed away. I can't even imagine the daily stress. Having said that, I do agree that it all could have been avoided and the events that played out are just consequences of kids with unlimited access to the internet.

I did dumb things as a kid. I also did dumb things as a kid on the internet. Lucky for me and my adult life, I didn't have internet in my home until I was 16. I had a brief encounter with poor choices and hopefully my poor choices aren't floating around the internet anymore. Who knows.

At the end of the day though, they're just people.

emotional responses

Coolidge Palms, a photo by Digital Heather on Flickr.

It's hard to assign names to emotions sometimes. Either they're foreign or you just don't know how you feel. I'm a special mix of sad and angry but can't decide how much of each.

Teenager's stuff is still here. We closed the door because it was just too sad to look at. My husband came home from work last night and I told him that this felt like a breakup. "I get sad when I see something of teenager's. I'm sad and angry but I wish I could just be angry." J raised his eyebrows and said, I feel EXACTLY the same way.

It's a weird little circle because even when I'm angry about the situation or angry at teenager, then I feel sad for feeling angry. I guess I'd rather feel angry than sad because my anger is pretty calm and quiet. I just stew and think in silence. When I'm sad, I cry until my head and chest hurts. I guess I have control over my anger but no control over my sadness. Sadness controls me. Is that a cop out?

This empty house has a way of drawing out emotional responses. This house hasn't seen enough joy. It has become the place we moved where all the sad stuff happened. When we move someday we can leave it behind and perhaps that is its purpose.

All I can do is pray. For the situation, for teenager, for strength.

I did however say something to my husband out of anger that I have wanted to say for four months. Sure four months isn't that long, but at this rate I expected to take it to my grave. "I know your mom sent you specific instructions on how to have me committed and I saw the text message to our neighbor that said I was crazy and you were having me committed the following day." This is all old news but was something I struggled with daily because it was never resolved. I feel better about it now but still feel bad about current situations.

This all surfaced because teenager was struggling with their sanity.

My heart hurts

heart smart snacking, a photo by Digital Heather on Flickr.

I often say, it's been a long day! Or loooooong day! Or a long hard day. I realized today I hate that and I'm done saying it. Every day is as long and short as the others. My long hard day is probably pesos for someone who's got it harder and tougher. Today was long. Today was hard. But I'm done saying that.

Teenager is beginning a different life now. It could have ended better. A hundred different ways better. My husband and I are truly sad. My heart hurts. I've known teenager since before they were born. Seeing teenager grow up has been bittersweet. The last week was difficult. I want teenager to make good choices. I want teenager to be in control and successful next time I see them.

I know we did everything we could and tried every avenue but I still can't help but feel like I didn't try hard enough or maybe I was too tough.

It's been a difficult year. It's been emotional and personal. Life is. I'd shake my head when teenager thought they knew everything. I now wonder who's shaking their head at me. I don't know everything at 30. Sometimes I think I do. I wonder what else I'll learn. I wonder what else will happen this year because it's truly been one hell of a year. Not so much what else could go wrong... But what else can I take away from these experiences?

find some peace

august berries, a photo by Digital Heather on Flickr.

It's a better day. Better than it's been.

The teenager is being a real turd about waking up in the mornings. For three mornings now I've missed 8am mass. I need it. I'm struggling. I need to chill out and feel my Lord. I hope teenager can maybe find some peace in the process too. My husband and I had pretty tame teenage years on account of what squares we were/are. Relating to this angry young adult and this situation is an adventure.

My days are so different now. Extra food to cook. High school math homework. Discipline. Drama. Etc etc. Speaking of drama, two very attractive female police officers paid us a visit on account of teenager. I now affectionately refer to them as the "hot cops". It's an Arrested Development reference but also true.

I coulda been a hot cop. Maybe.

teenagers will be teenagers

pitfallen, a photo by Digital Heather on Flickr.

I'm losing my mind a little. Maybe a lot. Don't worry. It's probably not what you think.

My husband and I inherited a teenager for an undisclosed amount of time. I was so ready to be a mom-- as long as that meant cutesy baby things. Not teenage delinquency and brooding. This certain teenager is not able to be taken care of by their mom or dad and my husband and I are now legal custodians per a male version of Judge Judy.

We're on day three. I understand teenagers will be teenagers but why is this one so argumentative and entitled? I haven't put my foot down so much since my days of managing the video game store and the corresponding gaggle of teenage employees.

Ugh.

the wolfman and the full moon

playing ds, a photo by Digital Heather on Flickr.

It's August. Insert all cliches and dumb small talk about time flying and where has the year gone.

I've been playing a ton of Animal Crossing New Leaf lately.

I've also begun sleep eating again. I don't know I do it until I wake up the next morning with an empty cereal bowl next to my side of the bed. It's always cereal. I never make a mess, hurt myself, leave the milk out, anything. A few times my husband has seen me. He says I'm like a zombie. He says I just sit there, shoveling it in my mouth like I don't even notice him. That has to be the weirdest thing. Well, almost as weird as everything else that has gone down. I began sleep eating back when I was being medicated and that was the only time I ever did. Once the medicine stopped, so did that. I didn't even know it was a thing until a friend mentioned that her husband did it. It was like, "This weird thing I do has a name?!" It's both an awesome and creepy feeling. You feel no longer alone but then, I dunno, diagnosed? I dunno what's worse. I just can't figure out why it's happening again all of a sudden. I'm on zero medicine aside from blood-thinner medicine. I have zero stress.

My period also came back. I have never ever EVER been so happy to see my period. Especially when you're trying to have a baby. A period is the last thing. I was worried it would take awhile for my body to come back from the miscarriage and D&C. My OBGYN said it could take a couple months. I didn't want that to be the case because however long that took then I had to add another 2 cycles on top of that before trying again. My surgery was exactly 30 days ago. It's like my body just picked up where we left off. I have to admit, I was a little worried about finally getting it again. The two times I tried to kill myself were on the first days of my last two periods. That can't be a coincidence. I think I was just so hormonal and out of my mind from those medicines that it just triggered me. Then I got pregnant. In the back of my mind, I kept wondering what would happen. I feel normal, but I think I probably felt or thought I felt normal back then. I can't remember. What would happen when it came? Would I go crazy? It's maybe like knowing you're the wolfman and the full moon is coming? Is that a lame analogy? Probably.

Oh well. One down and one to go. Why am I publicly talking about this?