pretty scrapbook scraps

3d paper heart tutorial, a photo by Digital Heather on Flickr.

I made some cute hanging paper hearts today. I really need to clean up my office already because it took forever to round up all the supplies in order to make these. All I needed was a stapler, pretty scrapbook scraps, glue dots, and some rivets. Ugh. I've got 15 days left to do it. Probably a few less than that considering it will be at the bottom of my to do list post-surgery. Oh well. They're so pretty!! :) The one in the picture is hanging on my china cabinet. My tutorial is here if you'd like to make your own.

listen to my brain

green and purple succulent, a photo by Digital Heather on Flickr.

One of my succulents is really starting to change colors and gets prettier every day.

I went back to the doctor today. Since my body still hasn't passed my missed miscarriage, we talked about my options. I really preferred to let this happen naturally, but it just won't. I figured in the beginning that maybe my mind and body weren't connected because I was still holding onto hope. After the third ultrasound without a heartbeat, I figured my body would listen to my brain and catch up. Waiting for nature to take her course has turned me into a nervous wreck.

So the options, if I didn't mention before, are medicine or surgery. Medicine essentially tricks your body into going into labor, opens your cervix, and everything comes out. Clearly that's the less expensive option. However, with my bleeding disorders and being therapeutic on Lovenox, I'm at risk for hemorrhaging. It happens. Women go to the hospital. Usually not a huge deal. But my husband has the car all day at work 60 miles away and I would have no way to get to the ER if that happened. Well short of calling 911. And calling 911 is expensive. I still have two bills from the last time(s) we called 911. 500+ dollars for when I was conscious and 700+ for when I was unresponsive. So to avoid all of that-- we opted for surgery.

On Monday I'm having a D and C (Dilation and Curettage). They'll dilate my cervix and scrape everything out. Should I have bleeding issues, which is so my style, they can take care of it. The procedure takes 10 minutes or less. I'll be asleep. If there are complications or they want to watch me for post-op pulmonary emboli (which is also my style), then they'll keep me overnight for observation. Otherwise, I get to go home once I wake up and they deem me able.

Of course I'm nervous. Surgery just makes me nervous. Surgery results in more things wrong with me and or bad news. Not that it would happen this time-- it's just why I dislike it.

So we'll see. I'm going to keep occupied this weekend. Come Monday night, I won't have to walk around the house like a nervous Nellie waiting for something to happen.

The subplot of life

triple strawberry cake, a photo by Digital Heather on Flickr.

So nothing yet. Still.

I made an awesome cake yesterday. Recipe and tutorial here. And not because I didn't feel like cleaning my office. I had totally already planned to make it. Totally. I wish my mom didn't live 90 minutes away and or she had a cellphone so I could text her a picture. I know she'd love it.

Being anti-social is so easy without Facebook, lately. That sounds more obvious than it is. I think it's just a fleeting thing and I'll get over it soon.

The one or two people that I'm not being anti-social towards still have a hard time understanding why anyone would delete their FB. Was I cryptic about that? Maybe. My husband's family lives on the other side of the country. I decided to make that distance even greater. I'd make it greater if I could, but I don't know how.

It's been a good life lesson, I suppose. Another piece of the puzzle. When I have a son someday, I know what kind of mother not to be. I know what kind of mother-in-law not to be. No matter how mentally unstable his wife may get. My "dirty laundry" or "dirty secrets" were too much for them to publicly handle. (Not my words, by the way. I'm not ashamed of who I am.)

How can you ask for help without speaking up? So I said suck it. Who cares. Sure, life is too short for staying mad at people but life isn't fun when people treat you like that either. I guess I only bring it up because this plight is not my own. It's the subplot of every tv show ever. The subplot of life. There's no right answer. Some people can deal and some can't. I decided I can't anymore. I have a mom and I don't have room for bullies. Actually that's a perfect way to end.

to pledge my seriousness

messy craft room / office, a photo by Digital Heather on Flickr.

This is supposed to be my office.

Having a house with four bedrooms is awesome because my husband and I each have our own office. However, my office has become a bit of a catch all for random stuff that doesn't get put away. At one point it was presentable, but never functional or organized so it kind of fell apart again.

I'm posting a picture so that hopefully I'll feel motivated to do something with it. When I finally do then you can use this picture for reference.

Ideally, I'll do all of my work in there so my husband can have his office back. And to pledge my seriousness, mostly to myself, I'm going to have it 100% done by my birthday (July 14th). Sort of a birthday present to myself.

lingering memories

colorful sugar skull, a photo by Digital Heather on Flickr.

So I made a special trip to Target today just to buy markers... I really wanted to color the coloring page I made yesterday. You might notice that the printed features are kind of cranberry-ish instead of black. My printer is sucking up her ink from the bottom of the barrel. But it printed out neat. At the top of the picture, it started out darker and gradually got lighter as it printed. I'm quite happy with it.

I can't remember the last time I actually colored with markers. When I was buying them today I was actually thinking of another woman named Heather whom I met in the psychiatric hospital. She spent all of her free time coloring those big velvet posters. Her husband would bring more every time he came to visit her. It seemed to make her happy. I wondered if she did it at home also or was just killing the time as best she could. I never asked her.

I was the exact opposite and refused to do anything creative or crafty while I was there either on my own time or during designated "recreation times." Other patients and employees would ask me if I just wasn't crafty or didn't enjoy those activities. Of course the answer to this is, I LOVE BEING CREATIVE AND MAKING THINGS! In the beginning, I would explain that I actually did arts and crafts daily at home and then blogged about it as my "work." I didn't want to ruin what I love. If that makes sense. People had a hard time understanding what I was saying meant so after a while I just started saying, "No, I don't enjoy arts and crafts." I just didn't want to associate crafting with being in the hospital. I wanted to eventually go home and not have any lingering memories. Too late?

I guess I wanted to keep it sacred. Perhaps it was a bad attitude to have. Martha Stewart wasn't like that when she was in jail. I dunno, maybe that's an unfair comparison? To her? I'm no Martha. To me? I wasn't in jail. Oh well. And even though I did my best to avoid crafting or creativity while hospitalized, it still took me awhile to actually get back into it once I was home. A couple months actually. Oh well.

Come to think of it I actually painted one watercolor which I'll share another time.

the emotional strength

sugar skull coloring sheet, a photo by Digital Heather on Flickr.

I'm quite pleased with this. Making it took forever but was surprisingly therapeutic. I never made a coloring page before today. Probably my first and last time. Technically it was for work.

Nothing else to report. Or at least what we're waiting for.

I'm feeling generally okay. It's actually a bit of a weird limbo I'm swimming in. Before I was pregnant, I was in so much pain with my endometriosis. The events leading up to my surgery had me so busy and preoccupied that I didn't notice that for a good four or five days I was in zero pain. I guess I attribute that to being pregnant and not knowing it. Who knows. While I was pregnant, I had no endo pain whatevsoever. A few times I had back pain which was probably the arthritis I was diagnosed with a few months back. And morning sickness, but that has since subsided.

So aside from obvious strange feelings of loss and confusion-- I'm feeling okay. I just wonder when is THAT going to happen? When is my endo pain going to come back? How long will it take to get pregnant again? Ugh.

It's probably very easy to blame yourself and wonder what you did wrong-- but I can't get caught up in that. I know I did everything I could have considering the body I was given (of course I'm referring to my own body and my diseases/mutations).

I'm thankful though. I'm thankful for the peace I have through all of this. I'm thankful I have the emotional strength to get out of bed each morning and do something with my day. It could be worse. Oh it could be so so much worse. I've been there. So instead I just smile and think, I'm going to have kids at some point. My kids are going to be awesome. So awesome that so far God wants them instead.

secrets on the internet

play horse, a photo by Digital Heather on Flickr.

So this blog gets a ridiculous amount of traffic. It baffles me because it's kind of a secret. Okay, I know there aren't any secrets on the internet. I don't really do this for an audience either, so I'm intrigued.

Have you seen the movie It's Pat? If you haven't, it was based on an SNL skit from the 90s. Julia Sweeney plays an androgynous character who ultimately marries a similar character played by my long-time running crush, Dave Foley. Anyway, Pat's stalker neighbor Kyle steals Pat's diary thinking it will reveal secrets. The laptop diary instead goes into great detail about things like buying and returning a bath mat. My point is-- I don't feel like my blog is much different.

So who are you? Why do you read? Why do you come back for more?