trying to catch up

my kitchen table, a photo by Digital Heather on Flickr.

I finished writing my kitchen table tutorial. You can read about it here. I love it so much. I did it about two months ago. The table is called Ingo and came from Ikea for $69.99. Originally it was unfinished pine and I stained it using vinegar and a steel wool pad. And that's it. Super cheap and easy. Check the tutorial. Seriously. The chairs are also from Ikea and were $50.00 each.

You can see a sneak peak of the bottom of my china cabinet too. More on that next time.

Nothing else yet. No pain. No spotting. I noticed my appetite has really dropped off and I lost a few pounds. I've mostly just been immersing myself in my freelance writing and trying to catch up. My table tutorial was the first piece I've published since Halloween. HALLOWEEN!! I'm so behind.

the inevitable and the unknown

potted succulents, a photo by Digital Heather on Flickr.

I felt like staying in bed all day. I couldn't remember the last time I watered my plants. And I really like my plants. So I decided to get out of bed for my plants. How sad does that sound? I dunno.

In fact during February/March/April when I was racking up my frequent flyer miles at the hospital, my husband and neighbors were not watering my plants and a few died. I was furious. They tried to convince me that my care took precedence but they're just little plants. Okay-- I'll stop.

So I'm up. I have a bit of an emotional hangover-- is that a phrase? Is that a thing? It feels like it. My face feels like it cried a marathon. My head also feels two sizes too big.

For maybe the first time, I'm thankful that I don't have a job to report to. I can just stay home and let my body do her thing. That's not to say that waiting for the inevitable and the unknown is any easier. It just means-- well you get it.

Did I tell you I gave up soda? I gave up soda. In the psychiatric hospital actually. They didn't have soda and whatever combination of pills I was therapeutic on was preventing me from getting withdrawal headaches. I used to drink A LOT of soda. Six or seven cans a day. Maybe more. I had tried many a Lent to give it up for good but the headaches always had me crawling back. Getting that soda pop monkey off my back was really a blessing for being pregnant.

But let's just say I had a giant soda last night. I guess it's my silver syrup lining.

a poker face in public

heathermummy, a photo by Digital Heather on Flickr.

That baby is me. I'm not injured. I'm a mummy.

Today could have gone a million times better. The doctor was running two hours behind. Waiting those two hours was so nerve-wracking. I was pissed off naturally but the suspense was growing and eating me alive. My husband had to leave right after the ultrasound or he would have been late for work, but at least he was there for part of it.

Still no heartbeat. Our baby stopped growing three weeks ago. I waited to follow up with the doctor, trying my best to hold it in and save my tears for my pillow. It was hard. They referred me to a reproductive endocrinologist to maybe find out why my body hates babies so much. That's August 5th. A million years from now.

I sat outside the hospital in over-sized sunglasses still trying to hold it in. If my husband was there it would have been different because last time I kept a poker face in public so I wouldn't make him cry. Without him around, I just couldn't hold it in and I really lost it. You can cry quite a bit with sunglasses and no one knows.

A woman with a head-kerchief exited the hospital, walked past me, and then immediately swung a u-turn and came and sat next to me. If you don't know me, I don't like THAT kind of attention. Ever. But I needed this. She gave me some awesome mom hugs and we spoke while I waited for my dad to pick me up.

When she asked me what was wrong, all that I could vocalize was that my baby stopped growing and it was dead but still inside me and I was just going to go home and wait for my body to pass it. Similar to the way I expect a teenager would react, she exclaimed, "No. That sucks. They need to do something. That's not fair!!" I laughed because it was exactly the way I felt but couldn't organize my emotions. I looked at her headscarf which wasn't hiding a bad hair day... I could tell. Feeling awkward because of the attention, I asked her, why are you here today? "Oh I just have bone cancer." I told her if she had bone cancer then I seriously needed to stop crying. She shook her head and said, "I can handle cancer, but I don't think I could handle it if one of my children stopped living. You're stronger than me. God gives us exactly what we can handle." And I do believe that. And I needed to hear it.

I had a miserable night with four hours of sleep. I'm ready for my long hard cry and follow-up nap.

the same things

skelly, a photo by Digital Heather on Flickr.

My appointment is in 15 hours.

I had such a hard time sleeping last night and I'm sure tonight won't be any different. I keep thinking about the same things over and over. The "clues" that point to everything is fine and normal. The "facts" that everything might not be. And what ultimately I'll do next depending on how tomorrow goes.

I have a crib in a box that I'm just aching to put together.

at any minute

9 weeks, a photo by Digital Heather on Flickr.

So if everything is still a-okay, I'm 9 weeks now. This is the first time I'm sharing my tummy. It seems like it really came out of nowhere the last week or so. I know it might not be like this for much longer, but I've been so excited I had to share. Sure, taking pictures and blogging about it might just make it that much harder... but if it helps someone else out there frantically googling then it's worth it.

It's weird because I feel so huge for just 9 weeks. Some women barely look pregnant by this point while others look even bigger than this. It's fascinating. Everyone is different.

We spent Father's day together just cleaning the house and hanging out-- typical Sunday for us. It was a weird day, really. Mother's day was so awesome for us because we were so excited and had just had an awesome ultrasound. Now that it was Jason's turn, it was different. We're staying positive but also remembering to be realistic because something could change at any minute.

Still no cramping or spotting/bleeding. I go back to the high risk obgyn in 3 days. J has to work so I'll be going alone. I'm unhappy about it because I'll have to hear either amazing or terrible news all by myself. I'm rooting for the amazing, of course.

My baby tinman needs a heart(beat). So, we'll see.

Keep on keepin' on

blue cart, a photo by Digital Heather on Flickr.

I don't know if I'm enjoying my summer yet.

It's hot. The 112 degree kind of hot. Our new house doesn't have a pool and my childhood home and pool are an hour away. Our backyard is dirt as we haven't planted grass yet. So my summer so far has really just been light writing online, watching tv, napping, eating. Rinse. Repeat.

In baby news, nothing yet. No cramping or pain or spotting or anything! I'm a pro when it comes to waiting and being patient but boy is this ever a test. My lifestyle hasn't changed since we got the news. I'm still taking my prenatal vitamins and foregoing all other medicines or pills except my daily lovenox injections. I'm also still eating super healthy-- I do that anyway. I rub my belly and talk to the baby throughout the day, encouraging her to stick around so we can meet her. J gives her kisses and says things like, "Keep on truckin'" or "Keep on keepin' on". And I pray. Like I've never prayed in my life before.

So we'll see.

Googling during the commercials

praying batmantis, a photo by Digital Heather on Flickr.

This is Batmantis. There's actually an entire story line which I'll paraphrase due to length and nerdiness. He is the last of three praying mantises that visited our porch for a series of days. I found the other two dead and this one showed up shortly after. My husband named him Batmantis and he is in our garden to avenge his parents' death. Justice.

In other news, we're still unsure of exactly how far along we are in the pregnancy. The initial guess was 11 weeks but the baby isn't measuring that. So either ovulation and conception happened like two days before we first tested pregnant or the baby stopped growing at some point.

My high risk OBYGN couldn't find a heartbeat at our appointment last week. I have another appointment in 8 days to recheck but she said I will probably have miscarried by then. I gave myself the weekend to cry and mope but figured this isn't over until it's actually over.

I haven't had any bleeding or spotting. My pregnancy symptoms are still hot and heavy like morning sickness and sore boobs. They say when the fetus stops growing your pregnancy symptoms usually subside because your body isn't coursing with the hormones like it once was. So since mine still feels that way, I'm staying positive. It's hard to stay positive. One in five women will miscarry and I have been that woman two times already.

Okay and I find it hard to believe that the new episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey was a coincidence. Jacqueline opened up about she and Chris miscarrying five times before having Nick. At their five week ultrasound there was no heartbeat and they were told to terminate the pregnancy. They waited and returned for another ultrasound which found a heartbeat. Once I heard that, I immediately starting Googling during the commercials to see how often that actually happens (there are very few shows that I actually watch in real time). I found tons of women's stories on forums and blogs saying the same thing. They went on to give birth and have healthy kids. It was inspiring. It definitely got me out of my funk.